“He’s acting like a child.”

When I’m leading a mediation training, the frustration of new mediators can be downright palpable during some of the more intense roleplays. When we debrief afterward or when I interrupt to check in with a frustrated mediator and find out what’s going on for him, I hear comments like the one above and like these:

“She needs to stop being so (fill in the blank) because she’s getting in her own way…but I can’t get her to!”

“Well, I guess I can see why they ended up in mediation.”

“If I acted that way in front of other people I’d be mortified. He needs a good kick in the keister.”

“Why are they acting so badly and how can I make them stop?”

I remember wrestling with some of the same behavioral challenges when I was first learning 15 years ago. Fortunately, I had my mother, who died when I was in my mid-20s, whispering gently in my ear in those moments. She whispered, as she had when I was a teenager,

Stop judging. Just look for the equal human in front of you.

If you subscribe to my Conflict Zen blog, then you know I believe strongly that the way we think about conflict has a profound influence on the way we respond to it. So it would come as no surprise that I also believe the way mediators think about about conflict, behavior, and resolution profoundly influences the way we work with clients.

Why harsh judgment from the mediator is a problem

Here’s why the thinking reflected in the new-mediator frustrations above gets in the way:

• Clients don’t want or need to be judged by the mediator too. They’re (usually) judged harshly enough by the other party and the mediator has no business adding to it.
• Judging a party harshly focuses your attention on their behavior instead of your own. Big mistake (I’ll say more about that in a moment).
• Harsh judgment slams your mediator’s toolbox shut and leaves you with the temptation to chide outright or act out your chiding in other ways. No party to a mediation needs or wants their junior high school principal in the room.

What should the mediator do instead?

The trick is in changing your thinking, my friends. In flipping the coin of your thoughts, at first consciously, then later as a natural habit of mind.

Remember, no party who’s acting badly got out of bed that morning and thought to himself, “I want to act badly in front of other people today.” They got out of bed in the morning thinking the same thing you did: “I’m going to try to do my best today.”

The great news is that mediators can let go of playing the Respect Police or Client Wrangler. You can stop playing those roles because they’re no fun, can make things worse, and there’s something so much more elegant you can do instead:

Stop judging. Just look for the equal human in front of you.

When the mediator sees the equal human, you see someone whose gotten hijacked and would be so appreciative of a mediator who helps them find their way back to more graceful behavior. When the mediator sees the equal human, you see someone you can assist instead of feel disdain for. When the mediator sees the equal human, you realize that the mediator’s behavior is what needs to change, in order to help the party back to a place of better balance.

And when the mediator sees the equal human in front of them, you automatically start to wonder instead of judge:

What do you think? Let me know in the comments (if you’re reading this in email, click the article title and you’ll be taken to the web page with the comment form near the bottom).

Making Mediation Your Day Job by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at MakingMediationYourDayJob.com.

A few years ago, I and my Woodbury College faculty colleagues Susanne Terry and Alice Estey published an article on mediator training and preparation in ACResolution. Last week’s Cafe Mediate podcast got me thinking about that article again – it’s content is still valid and the topic still timely. So, with my colleagues’ agreement, I’m posting an updated version of the article here. If you’re interested in this topic, you might also like my past article, The Integrated Practitioner: What It Takes to Be One.

The value of extended, integrated mediator education

by Tammy Lenski, Alice Estey and Susanne Terry

Traditional approaches to mediation training rely heavily on mastery of technique, strategy, rules and structure. Some also provide companion workshops in theory, research, ethics and content knowledge for specific types of disputes.

Many, if not most, professional and part-time mediators in the U.S. receive their training through a series of self-selected, intermittent workshops of one to 10 days’ duration. This cafeteria-like approach to mediator preparation, where mediators select items á la carte according to interest, has some of the same benefits as buffet food: Freedom to taste as much or as little as one likes, and the opportunity to experiment with new selections without significant investment. This allows “digestion on the run” so that other work and life commitments can continue on center stage.

It is entirely possible tor a mediator to become competent, even excellent, through the self-built training program, and there are a number of practicing professional mediators whose consistently high quality of service to others reflects this reality.

That said, we believe the cafeteria approach has noteworthy limitations for the mediator, for the field, and perhaps, in some instances, for clients. Since we have the good fortune to teach mediation in a graduate program that places high value on extended, integrated preparation, we’d like to paint a picture of what’s possible when mediators have ongoing opportunities to interact with the same instructors, receive regular, in-depth feedback on progress and are intentionally challenged to develop a deeper understanding of theory and more extensive practice of their craft.

The program at Vermont’s Woodbury Institute is based on a three-pronged framework tor advancing mediation as the primary profession of the practitioner: (1) develop masterful professionals capable of mediating any kind of dispute in which they’re interested, (2) foster heightened mediator self-awareness, and (3) contribute to the credibility of the field through the accomplishment of the first two goals.

Developing masterful mediators

One risk of stand-alone basic mediation training is that new mediators may mechanically replicate methodology, perhaps even zealously embrace it, without a broader context to guide them. The result can be an unintentional indoctrination into a specific mediation “camp” or “method” due to insufficient awareness of other approaches, skills, tools and the values and beliefs upon which they’re based.

When we designed the curriculum for the master’s in mediation and applied conflict studies several years ago, we focused on helping mediators move beyond a recipe of rules, techniques and processes attached to one style or school. Because of the length of the program, students have the time and the depth of learning to make meaningful choices about how they will approach their work not only in ways that satisfy and serve clients well, but which are also consistent with their own deeply-held values and principles.

We designed the program to be anchored by faculty with whom students have ongoing relationships over multiple courses that were deliberately interwoven. This encouraged students to examine their own relationships with conflict, deepen their understanding of the work they’re asking parties to do, and develop ways of knowing and working that aren’t limited by the conflict cultures in which they grew up or practiced in earlier professions. We wanted to give students the time and learning space to look into the mirror held up by instructors and learn from what they see reflected back.

Fostering mediators’ self-awareness

Excellent mediators develop a keen form of self-awareness that creates fodder for continuously improving their work. Such practitioners not only self-reflect deeply on their work, but also know how to translate those musings into greater artistry in practice.

In our experience, this self-awareness begins with the act of unlearning. The deep grooves of behavioral response worn into our students from years of navigating the world of communication, social interaction and conflict do not yield automatically to the introduction of new skills and knowledge. This is particularly true for mediation students who come from another field of origin, such as law or counseling, because old frameworks for problem solving are often deeply ingrained. An extended education program creates the space and mechanisms for students to return to “beginner’s mind,” that state described by Buddhist philosopher Suzuki with the words, “In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities; in the expert’s mind there are few.”

We’ve noticed that newly minted mediators don’t really know what they don’t know. Our graduate mediation students often display wonderful confidence and solid ability after 30-40 hours of preparation. With more and regularly occurring instruction, they begin to second-guess themselves and lose that initial glow of confidence. We consider this a good thing! This is when we know they are beginning to unlearn and we’re witnessing the process of a re-wiring of old neural pathways being replaced by new ones, of old problem-solving crutches being set aside.

Over a period of months we observe students’ progress, challenge them, push against what they think they already know and ask difficult questions. We believe that one of the mediator’s most powerful tools is the use of “self as instrument.” To help our students begin to use who they are as one of the tools in their toolbox, we invite them regularly into the hard work of honestly exploring their own interior terrain. This on-going interaction between teacher and student, with the trust of challenge and support that’s built over rime, enables this difficult work to unfold in ways that intermittent trainings are rarely able to foster.

Building the credibility of the field

Mediators help parties navigate some of life’s most difficult moments: the dissolution of a marriage or a business, the evolution of a workplace team, decision-making about end-of-life care, negotiations over significant environmental and land issues. Considered in this context, it seems insufficient that the professionals assisting disputing parties in these major life matters may have had the equivalent of a week’s worth of specialized classes (distinct from their professions of origin) to prepare them for such a pivotal role.

We believe that the credibility of our field will advance when professional mediators make in-depth investment in their learning and development, in much the way required in other fields. While formal “school” learning never ensures professional excellence in any field, advanced, cohesive educational programs, along with the selecting and weeding that inevitably goes with them, significantly improve the quality of practitioners in any profession. Law students or counseling students with six credits completed are quite different professionals than ones who complete several more terms of study and practice, regardless of their first profession.

There is also the matter of hybridization—some would label it appropriation—of the mediation field. We believe the field will gain credibility when we abandon the current vogue of identifying practitioners with hybrid professional labels. The labels “attorney- mediator” and “counselor-mediator,” for instance, convey that the roles are somehow linked in practice, and reinforce the notion that the mediator role cannot or should not stand alone.

We invite professionals to name themselves as mediators and mediators only, to assume that role as primary, and to acquire the kind of cohesive preparation worthy of a profession that is pivotal in some of the most important matters and difficult decisions in people’s lives.

	Tammy Lenski, Ed.D., in private practice since 1997, served on the core faculty of Woodbury College’s Master’s Program in Mediation & Applied Conflict Studies for nine years.
	Alice Estey, M.A., teaches mediation skills, negotiation, and ethics in the Woodbury program; she is a mediator and conflict management specialist in private practice since 1994.
	Susanne Terry, M.S., is a mediator, facilitator and consultant in the public and private sectors worldwide. She founded and teaches in the Woodbury Mediation Program.

© 2007 by Tammy Lenski, Alice Estey and Susanne Terry.

I periodically profile good tools for the mediator’s toolbox (many also work for conflict coaches and trainers as well) – tools that help us do our jobs better and help our clients get a new angle on an old problem.

The Conflict Dynamics Profile® (CDP) is one of those tools. I’ve been certified in the use of the CDP since 2005 and decided it was high time to blog about the CDP.

Nancy Pridgen, Communications Director for the Center for Conflict Dynamics at Eckerd College, graciously agreed to a brief interview. The Center, home of the CDP, helps leaders and organizations maximize the benefits and minimize the harmful effects of conflict through assessment and training, research and publishing. Nancy holds a B.A. and J.D. from the University of Florida and is a member of the Florida Bar. She has special interests in conflict management, team leadership, and executive coaching.

Tammy: What is the Conflict Dynamics Profile® and what is it designed to do?

Nancy: The CDP is an assessment tool which improves self-awareness of what triggers conflict in individuals as well as how they respond to conflict. The instrument examines particular conflict behaviors, both constructive and destructive. Through feedback from the instrument and a subsequent plan of action, people can become more effective at resolving conflicts.

Tammy: What are the optimal circumstances for using the CDP?

Nancy: The CDP can be used in all kinds of settings, but probably the best scenario would be a situation where an individual or an organization wants to be conflict competent and is willing to practice those behaviors that result in more effective conflict resolution skills. By creating an action plan and working in a proactive way to improve conflict skills, people can prevent conflicts from occurring in the first place and enhance their leadership effectiveness.

Tammy: In what circumstances have you found the CDP not particularly helpful?

Nancy: The CDP can be beneficial in a myriad of circumstances, but since it is focused solely on conflict resolution skills, it would not be appropriate for someone who wants a broad-based assessment of overall leadership skills unless it was used in conjunction with other assessment instruments.

Tammy: What are some of the ways you’re seeing the CDP used most?

Nancy: The CDP is being used in all kinds of training situations including leadership development, team building, and, of course, conflict resolution. Not only is it used as a “preventative” tool to reduce the amount of conflict in the future, but it also is used to address current, ongoing situations, including everything from a one-on-one disagreement, to a dysfunctional team, to an overall pattern throughout an organization of destructive conflict management.

The CDP is also used quite a bit in individual coaching, individual and team mediation, and organizational development projects examining conflict culture and change initiatives.

One other way it is used is through the process of developing “Teaming Standards” or team norms for interacting with one another. Individuals gain self-awareness of their own behaviors, share their strengths and development needs with other team members, and then the team as a whole arrives at a set standard of how it is going to operate in the future when faced with conflict situations.

Tammy: Describe one thing you’ve learned from your research that might be of interest to conflict resolution practitioners like mediators and conflict coaches.

Nancy: Our research finds that for everyone in the workplace, whether it be male, female, manager, or subordinate, the “hottest” (most upsetting) hot button is untrustworthiness. (Tammy sidenote: Now that’s a whole separate blog post right there.)

Tammy: What methods are available to folks for getting certified in using the CDP, including methods if they’re not geographically near you?

Nancy: Phone certifications are conducted several times a year where participants can register, prepare 5-6 hours of pre-work, and then “attend” a two-hour certification over the phone. Custom certification programs for several people in an organization can be scheduled either on site or on the Eckerd College campus in St. Petersburg, Florida.

More information on the Conflict Dynamics Profile®

• The Dynamic Conflict Model on which the CDP is based
• About the authors
• Getting certified

Thanks, Nancy, for taking the time to answer my interview questions.

Making Mediation Your Day Job by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at MakingMediationYourDayJob.com.